Reflections of Derek
by McAuthor87
Summary: Members of the Grey-Sloan Memorial Hospital Community react to the news of the passing of Dr. Derek Shepherd.


**A/N: Hi everyone! This is my first _Grey's Anatomy_ story. I formerly wrote under the name CopperBoom4 and wrote stories for _Friends, House, _and_ Gilmore Girls_. That was a long time ago. So long ago that I don't remember the password I used on that account (or the e-mail address come to think of it).**

**Like the rest of the _Grey's_ community, I am heartbroken over Derek's death. I watched the two-hour follow-up episode tonight. I suppose I was satisfied.**

**Anyway, I wrote this last Saturday, after watching How to Save a Life on Friday. It took me until today to get it edited. I feel pretty good about my predictions. Not in the fic, but in conversations with friends, I predicted Mer's storyline for this episode and Mer and Amelia's storyline for the next episode. **

**Please review and let me know what you think of this story. I would really like to know how I captured each character's personality. There are no names, just details, and it's up to you to decide who is speaking in each passage.**

* * *

She didn't remember making it home. She didn't remember tucking Zola into bed, and putting Bailey into his crib. They didn't know what had happened. She would tell them in the morning. As far as they knew, Mommy just had to make a trip to another hospital. They spent a majority of their young lives in hospitals.

She didn't remember curling up on his side of the bed, or wrapping his pillow around her face so that he was the only thing she could smell. She didn't remember when the tears started falling and she didn't remember when the finally dried up.

All she knew is that she had to tell everyone tomorrow. And she didn't have the slightest clue how she was going to get through it without throwing up again.

* * *

Mommy said Daddy had to go away for a while, but this time he's not coming back. She said he went to live with Uncle Mark and Aunt Lexi. I don't know if I believe her. Daddy has left before and he's come back. He goes away and we stay here with Mommy and sometimes Aunt Maggie comes and watches us, or Aunt Amy plays with us, and then Daddy comes back. I wonder if when he comes back this time he'll bring my new car that I asked for?

* * *

I could have saved him. I'm every bit as talented as he was. If they would have just brought him here I could have saved him. For as long as they waited for that Neurosurgeon to arrive, waiting an extra fifteen minutes at the scene of the accident for a helicopter to transport him here wouldn't have made a difference. Actually, it would have. If they would have called in that helicopter and airlifted him here, he would still be alive. He saved my life once, back when I was an addict and I overdosed. I was legally dead for three minutes.

He was always there for me, and I couldn't do the same for him.

What kinds of idiots don't do a head CT upon entry? He probably knew he needed one. I'm sure a first year intern would have known he needed one. Why would those paramedics take him to a hospital that isn't equipped as a trauma center?

I could have saved him, but I didn't even get the chance.

And I didn't get to say goodbye.

* * *

It's a beautiful day to save lives. That's what he always said right before he sliced into a skull and fixed a brain, the most important part of someone's insides.

Sure, when the appendix bursts it needs to go, bowel obstructions need to be cleared, and spleens sometimes need sutures, but the brain is what makes the entire body work. Knick the bowel and things can get ugly. But something like that can be fixed with more surgery. Knick the frontal lobe and any number of the basic functions of life can be affected permanently.

Brain injuries left untreated can do the same thing.

Why didn't he get the chance to be saved? Why didn't that neurosurgeon rush back from whatever he was doing, prepare for the surgery, and say, "It's a beautiful day to save lives?" Derek saved my ex-husband on the night my son was born. Because of him, little Tuck still has his father to play ball with, to watch cartoons with, and to look up to. That's something baby Bailey will never have. That's something Zola no longer has.

Why couldn't he have encountered a neurosurgeon that was at least as half as talented as he was?

* * *

I watched him grow into the surgeon he became. I taught him tips and tricks on how to lead a hospital before he even knew what I was doing, long before I appointed him Chief of Surgery. I knew Derek when he was still part of Derek and Addison, long before he was part of MerDer, as the interns called them behind their backs. I never would have guessed that Ellis' little girl and that young, eager, and newly wed neurosurgeon would wind up happily married. But once I saw them together, I couldn't imagine them apart.

And now I have to watch Meredith deal with another loss. Hasn't she had enough of them already?

Derek was good for her. He was a good man. He opened his trailer to me when Adele and I separated. He pushed me to go back to rehab. He started an Alzheimer's trial, not just for Meredith and her closure, but for mine as well. If only someone had jumped to help him the way he always jumped to help everyone else.

* * *

I've seen many men and women die: in hospitals, overseas, and at the scenes of tragic accidents. I've witnessed wives and mothers receive their sons' dead bodies home from war. I've given countless family members the tragic news that their loved ones have died. But none of those events measure up to the aftermath that I have to witness now. Meredith is broken, but it's like she doesn't know how to handle herself. She needs Cristina. I hope Meredith has called her, or at least Karev has passed the news along to her.

Amelia's grief is worse. She knows she could have saved him. She's bottling all her emotions up inside, trying to hide them from everyone. But I've seen the signs. She'll irrationally lash out at an intern for something small. Edwards said she thought she smelled liquor on Amelia's breath one day when they were going over scans.

I don't know all the details, but I know Derek saved her life when she was younger. She feels guilt that he saved her but she couldn't save him. She survived because of his actions and he died because she wasn't there for him.

Logically she knows she couldn't have done anything. How was she to know that Derek would be in a massive car accident and then be taken to a sub-par hospital? It took the hospital hours to get in touch with Meredith, his wife and medical proxy, and when she got there it was already too late. Even if someone had gotten a hold of Amelia, it already would have been too late.

I wish there was something I could do for her. I wish I could bring him back. I wish he had been sent here. I may be chief of surgery now, but I worked trauma for years and had extensive battlefield training. I would have known the first thing that needed to be checked was his brain. Even if Amelia couldn't have been there or done anything, I wish I could have.

* * *

When I first met Derek, I didn't like the guy. Of course back then I really didn't like anyone. He was constantly over at the house and he and Meredith would be up all night making loud and disturbing noises. It was weird living with someone that was kind of our boss. Then when he wasn't around, he was all that the girls talked about. McDreamy did this or that. It was annoying.

But then I fell for Izzie and she got cancer. He did multiple operations and everything he could to save her. He saved her life, even though she decided not to stay with me, and I respected him for that.

I'm worried about Mer. She hasn't talked to me about what happened, aside from telling me that it did. I didn't pry for extra details.

I asked her if she called Cristina and she said no. I asked her if she was talking to Maggie and she didn't respond. I called Cristina and she said she was planning to fly back over as soon as she could. Until she gets here, I want to be there for Mer, but I don't know how.

She's a different kind of crazy then the girls I'm used to dealing with. She's not an addict; she's not mentally cracked. She's depressed, she's mourning, and I don't know how to take care of that. A few beers and some trash talk aren't going to fix it, and unfortunately I'm out of ideas.

* * *

Derek is gone. I try to get it through my head but it won't stick. I haven't talked to him in a few years; there really wasn't a need to anymore. He had Meredith and I had Jake. Our lives no longer intersected.

I regret what I did all those years ago. The cheating was unnecessary. Trying to make it work after I had already severed the relationship was childish. I just didn't want Meredith to have him. I was angry that he had turned right around and done what I had done, with a girl so much younger.

But we both found our place. We got married to new people, had successful careers, and had children. We had it all, just not together.

That doesn't mean I won't cry for him. He was my first real love, my biggest regret, and the person I most regret hurting. And now, he's dead.

* * *

Out of the survivors of the plane crash, Derek and I were the only two that lost something. He lost function in his left hand for a while. Luckily, Callie was able to get his function back up to 80 percent and then, with a donated nerve from his younger sister, she was able to do another surgery and get it fully functioning again.

Derek and I didn't interact much at the hospital. I was in peds and he was in neuro, and I saw him only when I needed a consult, which wasn't very often.

Even though we weren't close at work, I always felt we had some sort of special bond. Not just Derek and I, but all of us in the crash. We watched Lexi and our pilot die on sight, and we watched Mark die at the hospital. Cristina went crazy looking for her shoe. Meredith went crazy looking for Derek. I screamed bloody murder for hours, and Derek, who had been separated from the rest of us, had been pinned under the plane, not knowing if we would come find him.

It scares me that we've lost someone else who understood what happened that day. There were only three of us left. Mark and Lexi died. Cristina ran off overseas to make a name for herself. Owen and Karev feel responsible in their own ways but they weren't actually on the plane.

Now Derek is gone too.

I just want to go back into the supply closet and hide from this, just like I hid from the most recent plane crash. Maybe the only person left that understands that pain will already be in there, sitting on the floor, waiting for me, and we can mourn together.

* * *

I lived with the man for months. I helped raise his kids and he helped raise mine. He, Meredith and I were like some weird threesome power couple there for a while.

I can't imagine him gone. I haven't accepted it yet.

I fixed his hand. I fixed him once. I saved his job, his livelihood, just like he's saved millions of people on his operating table.

He created the sensors, the life changing sensors that will allow people to get implant limbs that they will control with their minds. He made such a huge jump forward for neuro and ortho sciences. But he'll never get to see his work in action.

I wonder, if I never would have gotten the full function back in his hand, would he still be around today? He wouldn't have been traveling. He would have been teaching somewhere. He would have been trying to develop the latest theories of how to cure brain injuries and diseases. But he wouldn't have needed to travel. He could have done that from here.

It's crazy of me to think that something like fixing his hand could have indirectly caused his death. But fate is a tricky subject.

I have the strangest urge to find Arizona and give her a hug. I just want to be close to someone right now.

* * *

If you asked me what would happen first, the apocalypse of the universe, or the end of the Meredith and Derek saga, I would have picked apocalypse of the universe without hesitation. Meredith and I have always been each other's people, but Derek was her husband. He was her person on steroids. She came to me when she had problems with him, but she went to him when she had problems with the world.

They met in a bar and had a one-night stand. It was the perfect cliché meeting for a perfectly dysfunctional couple. They survived ferryboat crashes, bombs, shootings, and a plane crash for crying out loud. They were indestructible. They were unsinkable. She was dark and twisty and he was McDreamy.

They were perfect for each other.

They got married on a post-it and they were raising two kids, and they were so disgustingly sweet it made you want to McBarf.

I'm still in shock. I'm more in shock that Mer didn't call and tell me herself. Alex called me to see if Meredith had been in touch lately, and I had to drag the news out of him.

I can remember each conversation Meredith and I had about him. I remember when we trashed him for getting back together with Addison over bottles of wine. I remember when she would recount the good things about him when she was mad at him, or when she simply wanted to remind herself that she had finally gotten lucky and snagged a good one. I remember the sleepovers Meredith and I had in their bed, while Derek was still in it.

He was so important to her, to all of us. And now he's just gone. How are any of us supposed to move forward after this?

* * *

He was everything I never thought I could have. He was everything I never thought I deserved. He was extraordinary. He was good-looking, successful, charming, good-hearted. And he loved me. He chased me.

He was just some guy in a bar and I was just some girl in a bar, but we were always more than that. Even from that first night I knew he would be something more. Granted, I didn't know he would be one of my bosses and I didn't know our journey would go the way it did.

I regret wasting these last few months. I accused him of cheating. He ran to D.C., but he came back. We fought so much and so many times over the course of our relationship. And guess what, none of it was worth it. We wasted so much precious time fighting when we could have been enjoying one another.

We lost out on time with Zola. We waited so long to try to have a baby and then Derek got shot and I miscarried and then we had Bailey. He wanted another child. When he proposed the idea, I thought he was crazy. I didn't know that time would be our last time.

I don't know how I will be able to raise two kids without him. Sure, I had been doing it on my own while he was away, but I knew that at some point he was coming back. He was still going to have tea parties with Zola, and play baseball or hockey with Bailey. Someday. There was always a someday. There was always a future waiting for us.

He said he would be back. He told me to wait for him.

I will be waiting for the rest of my life.


End file.
